"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city."
-- George Burns
"The only thing money gives you is the freedom of not worrying about money."
-- Johnny Carson
"Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry."
-- Bill Cosby
"Don't worry about senility," my grandfather used to say. "When it hits you, you won't know it."
-- Bill Cosby
"Fatherhood is telling your daughter that Michael Jackson loves all his fans, but has special feelings for the ones who eat broccoli."
-- Bill Cosby
"I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life."
-- Rita Rudner
"I want to have children while my parents are still young enough to take care of them."
-- Rita Rudner
"No face, mouth open ... that is how the drug companies see the public."
-- Jerry Seinfeld
"On the side of the box of my superman costume it actually said - Do not attempt to fly!"
-- Jerry Seinfeld
"If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?"
-- Steven Wright
"Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, "Wish you were here."
-- Steven Wright
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